Ockham 164 all out (Waller 5-34) lost to HOF's 165 for 5 (Hopper 75)
 
An orange rubber pole had been erected in the field at the start of the game.  It wasn't in fact one of Bridge's personal tools but a fielding practice aid, as "Caveman" Camp[o] and Ricky "Gun Show" Gibbons demonstrated before the game how to miss a single stump in 15 easy attempts.  Last weeks terrible catching had somehow translated in Caveman's head as an excuse to practice throw downs.

The gloomy sky warned of impending rain and after Ockham (who bizarrely opted to bat on a wicket that could only be described as a pudding of the blancmange variety) had only seen off the first over, the players were scampering back to the dressing rooms.  Whilst returning skipper T.Haywood pulled out a calculator and watch to try and figure out if the game was to be curtailed the rain stopped and play continued but the shower on the uncovered wicket was to make life very difficult for the Ockham bats.

Opening duo "Bananaman" (Bridges) and "Conan" (Waller) started proceedings on a pitch that was making the ball do just about anything and everything apart from what you would expect a cricket ball to do. Bananaman did the usual job of beating the edge several times an over without actually getting a snick, and although Ockham were batting quite slowly it wasn't until the 8th over that Waller managed to spear one into the batsman's legs who could only fend the ball into air and then watch helplessly as it bounced spun and dribbled back onto the leg stump to dislodge a bail.

For the next several overs nothing really happened, the Ockham run rate was well below three an over and was in serious danger of being more boring than Mitchell's stories about his recent marathon run.  Whilst HOF's were waiting for the Ockhams bats to realise that they were allowed to hit the ball off the square the luckless Bananaman was replaced with newcomer Tayyab at the Bench end.  The Ockham number three took an instant liking and began lifting balls over mid-on until he lifted one right into the padded paws of Conan on the boundary.

The Ochkam's number two was batting like a test match pro but unfortunately for him this was not a test match and his low run rate was beginning to put pressure on the rest of the bats.  Conan was off (after taking another wicket) but in an inspired move Hopper who had shown some promise in the previous game was brought on to fizz in some "Spanish Onions".  He in fact ended up bowling 10 overs for only 29 runs and whilst he did not take any wickets he had removed any impetus the Ockham's bats could build up.  At the 30 over mark Ockham had only just passed the 100 run mark.

The low run rate and 4 wickets meant that HOFs were clearly on top and there was only one thing that could follow....dropped catches.  It started with specialist point fielder Gibbons dropping a chance that should have been taken, then whilst Bago (Winslet) was sticking the boot in to the keeper Patel for spilling a sharp chance he himself dropped a sharp chance at slip.  He threw all the toys out of the pram and started sulking like a child (just as the watching Mrs. Winslet said he would) but then Caveman dropped what was probably the easiest catch in the history of catches, perhaps in the history of history, which seemed to cheer Bago up. T.Haywood decided that a catch may damage his expensive manicure and so dropped his hands (and subsequently the chance which came to him) and when Hopper dramatically dived and then dropped one off the returning Waller the second half dozen  drops in as many games was complete.

Hufty-Tufty replaced Tayyab at the Bench end and his low slingy action dug the ball deep into the blancmange topping producing two snorters that spooned off the splice into ready hands.   Now the wickets started falling at regular intervals as the Ockham bats tried to push the accelerator button only to find they were pushing the self-destruct button instead.  A few meaty blows from Francis at the end and the Ockham bats had limped to 164 all out with the returning Conan picking up three late wickets and hence completing a five-for. 

Newcomer Tayyab walked off the pitch at tea grumbling "They should get rid of the huddles on the field before play. It is cosmetic and done for the cameras. It is like big girls before a hockey match."

After a consecutive 5 wicket haul Conan chuckled "I bowl my best when I’m fittest and the best way to get fit is to bowl. That’s how you get your rhythm. You can’t really find a rhythm by bowling in the nets.  I have lost 30-40 kilos since last season. The reason why I have lost weight is that I looked at the schedule and thought that I wanted to play for another two years. It is a very hectic schedule and if I want to get through that then I have to be in the best shape that I can."

After a smashing tea which did nothing for Conan's burgeoning waistline Caveman and Hopper strode out toward the blancmange.  Caveman after suffering the indignation of dropping the easiest catch in the history of history was given Yoda like advice by at least three players during tea..."Campo put it out of your mind and take your time" to which Caveman grunted "I'm just going out there to play my natural game, I've put the catch behind me".  Clearly then Caveman's "natural game" is to swat at the ball as if it were some outsized, cherry coloured, fly.  After three swishes the silent pavilion welcomed him back (in silence) for a princely 5 runs.

Mitchell has recently run the marathon (yawn) and he had decided to employ the same tactics to his batting as he converted full tosses and half volleys into dot balls.  Meanwhile, at the other end Hopper was keeping the scoring ticking along with some choice strokes and despite surviving a chance off a leading edge (which had it gone any higher may well have left the Earth's gravitational pull) continued to push things along nicely.  In fact, as Hopper hit his 50 Mitchell had scored 3.

With HOFs looking well in control at 84-1 and 20 overs remaining, Mitchell was castled when he tried to pull one that kept so low it decapitated a worm on the way through.  Hopper was next to depart for 75 as Grimshaw who had been turning it all day finally got one through the gate. 

The legendary Hufty-Tufty was in, whose batting technique in times gone by has been the stuff of legends, but again much promise came to little, after some beautiful straight hits over mid-on and mid-off he holed out at point for, by his high standards, a disappointing 25.  Bago came in (with around 40 runs required) and was really not in any mood or perhaps shape to run.  As far as he was concerned either he would hit a six or be bowled.  In all fairness though, even as he wafted at a few, those he did connect with stayed connected and with his quick 30 a Gibbons duck didn't matter as T.Haywood proudly strode out and edged the winning runs through the slip cordon.

On his miserly bowling spell and match winning innings Hopper stated "I think having the weight of captaincy removed from my shoulders has enabled me to express myself better in the game.  Not worrying about the batting order or whether the tea urn was switched on has allowed to me to concentrate on bowling a decent line and length, the pitch pretty much did the rest."

When quizzed over his third dropped catch in as many games "Gun Show" Gibbons simply flexed a bicep, raised an eyebrow and walked away muttering something about a knife under his breath.

On his return to cricket from a two year absence Bago claimed "Nothing sobers you up like going to prison.  It's good to be back and playing and I'm just taking it one day at a time"

After the match, returning skipper T.Haywood magnanimously said "I would like to thank Mark [Hopper] for his efforts as stand-in captain over the past couple of games during my absence, he has done the best job he could, but I think I bring a new dimension to the captaincy.  The way I bottled a fast catch today to make the others that had dropped a catch feel better about themselves just goes to show the commitment I have to the team captain's cause". 

On hearing the comments Hopper chipped in "What a full tosser he is".

Next week a sterner test against Holmbury St. Mary.....still more catching practice required.