Ashtead 88 all out (Waller 3-14) lost to Headley 90-1 (Hopper 51)

The scoreboard rarely lies and this was indeed a massacre. Headley produced one of their best fielding displays of recent times and shot out a strong Ashtead line up for just 88. It would have taken far more than 88 to constrain a powerful home batting line up, and Headley duly smashed their way to the target by 5:00, led by a classy 50 from Hopper.

The hottest day of the year greeted the players at the start of the game.  Unfortunately not all of the players greeted the weather with the same aplomb.  By 1:30 only 7 Headley players had turned up, so Chapman did the manful thing and accepted the responsibility of taking the toss while A.Pickering was nowhere to be seen.  The Ashtead captain, being able to count, realised that Headley were several fielders short and so did the gracious thing by winning the toss and putting the magnificent 7 into the field.

As the sun beat down relentlessly the question on the field was "where the hell is Pickering?".  Stoney trundled in from the oak tree end with an interesting 2-3 field to defend, which to be fair he did with only 5 runs from his first two overs.  In fact, had he bowled the usual slow full tosses that he is associated with the game may have been beyond the reach after the opening spell.

Chapman for lack of any other players (let alone bowlers) opened at the car park end.  It seems his new bowling technique now comes with a small yelp at the release of the ball, much like a poodle barking or as if he had a mini orgasm every time he released the ball.  When questioned about it after the game Chapman said "I saw how ladies tennis players grunted when they hit the ball and that was the effect I was going for.  Since the grunt travels at the speed of sound, it arrives at the bat marginally before the ball does. Ordinary opponents try to hit the grunt but I didn't realise I sounded like a Jack-Russell, I need to work on my grunt.....I want to be a tiger".

Nevertheless despite having only half a fielding team Headley contained the Ashtead opening bats until the cavalry arrived at the 6 over mark with the arrival of George Tyson (having recovered from hypothermia the previous week), Oliver the Hair Bear, Noble Jnr (not related to Elvis) and the unapologetic Pickering.

Once the full complement of fielders and bowlers had arrived the wickets began to tumble.  The ball was even fizzing above stump height at one point, and in panicked efforts to get off strike, one Ashtead opener ran himself out to a sharp direct hit from 'keeper Ben Ashworth. With his best man Tom Reed marching out at number 3, Chapman sportingly dug one in to his ribcage. Chapman has tried this tactic before and been sent to the nearby woods, but this time the ball snorted off a length, took the gloves and offered an easy looping catch to slip. 

Ashtead succumbed meekly after this. 15 yr old Gus Noble replaced Chapman and kept the pressure up with a superb spell, with line, length and some skiddy yorkers bringing him two victims. At the other end Grant Waller took wickets with his usual frequency, and there was another decent spell from youngster George Tyson, who took a key wicket in the middle order whilst only conceding 4 runs in his 4 over spell . Chapman was ruthless in his captaincy and despite turning his arm over suggestively in the outfield, Gareth Noble was not asked to bowl. Instead the battery of Headley pace men wore down Ashford to a paltry 88 all out
 

After picking up three wickets for a paltry 14 runs Conan grunted "If I could bowl at myself, I would be very keen. It would be an amputation job to get the ball out of my hand".

Chapman's tuna sarnies and jam sponge went down a treat in the earlier than scheduled interval, although he may have to tackle the cheese ham and pickle with a little more enthusiasm to ensure they fly off the shelves next time out. It was universally agreed to be a decent effort however and the pizza was a particular favourite, disappearing faster than the Ashtead middle order.

After tea Hopper (or just "H" as he now wants to be called in Prince like fashion) intent on destroying the bowling marched out to the middle, followed closely by Elvis (G.Noble).  The Ashtead skipper faced with the prospect of defending a tiny total gambled by opening with spin.  Two balls in, H could hold himself back no more and the opening over disappeared for 12 runs.  The gamble may have paid of if the spinners had actually made ball to ground contact which is quite useful in getting the ball to turn but a series of pies and long hops had H filling his boots as quickly as he could. 

In all likelihood there are probably more men landed on the moon than balls landed on the Headley strip in the first 5 overs and Elvis was doing his best to keep pace with H and the Ashtead bowlers were doing their best to help Elvis.  The only chance came when Hopper on 28 ran down the track to hit over the top only for the keeper to miss the easiest of stumpings when H was beaten by one that actually landed and turned.  Hopper breathed a sigh of relief and then continued to spank the bowling all over the park. 

The scoring was so fast that the person nearest the score book when the innings started (Stoney) couldn't keep up with the score book or the acknowledgment signal to the umpires.   Twice the irate umpire Doran had to correct the hapless Stone when he failed to add the correct number of boundaries to the score.  Post match analysis indicates that 8 runs allocated to Hopper were in fact hit by Noble, regardless, a 50 inside 30 minutes for H and the game was effectively over.  He did do the decent thing by dragging one on as soon as he scored 50 so the underrated Patel could have a small knock.

On his interesting scoring technique Stoney said "I just got carried away with all the little dots, it reminded me of my favourite books back at school, you know the ones where the picture just appears right at the end when all the dots are connected".  Doran later retorted "It's not rocket science, I mean he didn't even need to count to a hundred".

Patel decided that he would score all of the remaining 13 runs required, but the Ashtead bowlers had not read the script and a series of wides, byes and no balls foiled the plan but a quick 10 runs later the game was over by 5pm which in truth was a great shame given the wonderful weather.

Elvis was unbeaten on 20 and  felt good about his time in the middle "You know I just said to myself, it's Now or Never, I'm not going to Surrender my wicket, basically I'm Playing for Keeps from now on.  I just Can't Help Falling in Love with this game.  Uh huh huh".

Afterwards, Pickering was tight lipped about his sloppy timing and arriving with half the team 6 overs into the game all he would say was "Being the manager of a Sunday team is rather like being in charge of a cemetery - lots of people underneath you, but no one listening.  Quite frankly it's already been a long season and for someone at my age it takes it's toll.  I'm looking forward to James [Midmer] taking over the reins so I can have a take more technical director role in the future.  It's not about me, it's about 11 guys making it happen on the pitch or in this case 7 guys...."

The huge crowd were a little disappointed that they didn't get their moneys worth (which is a huge statement given the ticket price)...lets hope for a tighter game next week, but the Headley CC Sunday winning machine rumbles on.....